Tuesday, March 29, 2005

leave nothing to chance

Andy Maskin doesn't want any ambiguity if he enters a 'persistent vegetative state'... his living will contains very explicit instructions to guide the federal government should they decide to meddle in his life instead of running the fucking country:
  1. In the Senate, a tie shall be broken by a potato sack race between the eldest Senators for each side of the argument. If one such Senator is a Senator from Idaho, he or she is to be considered to have an unfair advantage and his spot will be passed to the next-eldest non-Idaho Senator. This race shall be no shorter than 50 meters and no longer than 100 meters.

  2. If Congress is unable to make a determination based on the conditions set forth above, then the decision whether or not to keep me alive with machines shall fall to the Bush twins. If Jenna is unable to serve in this capacity, then Bjork may cast a vote in her place. If Barbara is similarly unavailable, her vote may be cast by a well-trained parrot of Jenna's choosing.

Brain Vacation has a simpler plan, with a simpler motivation:

In the event that I should be fully incapacitated with a condition that does not improve for more than one year, PULL THE FUCKING PLUG!!! If I spend ten years in a nightmare coma just to wake up and have ten years worth of medical bills to pay, I am gonna kick someone's ass.

The sad part is that these parodies still aren't as bizarre as the real headlines.