Monday, March 28, 2005

it'll make a great diving reef

I don't know what it's like everywhere else, but here in Portland we've got a serious problem with assholes in SUVs who are almost invariably talking on cellphones. We live in a city split in half by a river that is a shipping lane, so the (too few) bridges that we have here are all designed to raise up when a ship needs to pass. The mechanics of this dictate that on most bridges there are little sections of metal grating where the joint is, maybe 3 meters of rainslick steel.

Driving anywhere requires paying attention. Driving on slick surfaces in a vehicle with a high center of balance and substantially more mass than other vehicles should make drivers even more mindful, but in practice SUV drivers seem to pay less attention to the road than other drivers do. I've spent *way* too much time dodging these idiots. So hearing that Melissa Borgaard (licensed cellphone-using SUV-driving fucktard) drove her shitmobile off the Morrison Bridge (an 18 meter drop to the water, and then another 17 meters to the bottom) actually gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

It's just too bad there was no lemming factor... it would have been great if a chain of people too busy talking on the phone to pay attention to anything but the back of the vehicle in front of them had followed the leader over the edge.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are entitled to your opinion but your use of words are sick! I don't like people talking on cell phones while driving either, but to call them rude and indecent names is another thing.

Blogger Foobario said...

Not half as rude as those who endanger the lives of the people around them (and, in a larger sense, the planet) by driving without common courtesy.

And calling them rude names is the only nonviolent response I can think of to counter their rude driving. Their rudeness harms other people while destroying the environment... mine merely upsets the occasional anonymous commenter. I don't have any problem with my position on this issue.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The young woman who was in this terrible accident is my sister-in-law. She happens to be a very cautious driver and an honest and responsible person. She was using her hands free (catch that you moron?) cellular device. It was no different than if the person she was talking to was sitting in the car next to her. She could have just as easily been singing along to the radio when this terrible ACCIDENT happened. It was the road conditions that caused the accident. Maybe you should think about the family and friends of people involved in tragedies before you call their loved one a "fucktard" you ignorant fucking moron.

Blogger Foobario said...

Would you been offended *at all* if you weren't related to her? She's got a great story to tell for the rest of her life. You've apparently got the embarassment of being related to the first person to drive off the Morrison Bridge in many years, maybe ever.

Yeah, I caught the 'hands free' bit the first time around. And you are right, it would have been no different than if she were talking to the person next to her or singing along with the radio or doing any other activity that drivers do instead of paying attention to their driving. 'Hands free' doesn't mean 'brain free'... she didn't go off the bridge for lack of hands on the wheel, but it's very likely that she did go off for lack of attention to the road.

Road conditions? I've seen the place she went over; there are two road conditions that seem relevant. First, the road is a bridge, so it is up in the air. Had she merely swerved onto the shoulder of a land-based road, this would have been a non-event. Second, the road is in Oregon, so it is wet. Like all the other roads.

50,000 people cross that bridge every day, and decades go by without anyone going over the edge. Statistically speaking, if there were a problem specific to that stretch of bridge at least one of the other 365 million cars that have driven over the bridge in the last twenty years would have gone over as well.

(I am purposely ignoring the possibility of wormholes and space-time singularities, though; taking them into account you might actually have a case for the 'road conditions' theory, but I suspect that you'd have a hard time convincing the Oregon Department of Transportation to do anything about it.)

So yeah, your sister-in-law deserves some kind of prize. Be grateful it wasn't a Darwin Award.

With love and hopes for your family's health and happiness,

Foobario J. Ignorant Fucking Moron, Esquire
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