Tuesday, September 28, 2004

personal update 28 September 2004

So I've been intentionally dodging some issues here for awhile... I'm so fucking tired of being ill that even talking about it is wearisome sometimes. But some things have been happening lately, and others are coming up, so it seems like a good time for an update.

For the last week or so I have been experiencing a new personal record pain level. Most days I can't walk, and often I can't even tolerate laying down... this doesn't leave many options. I've had a hard time focusing on anything, really: just coping has become a full-time job. The only thing keeping me out of the ER is that they did fuck-all last time except for drastic wallet-reduction surgery. The only good thing I can think of right now is that it's getting so bad that even the fucking hack doctors should eventually be able to figure out what is wrong.

My friend Richard told me years ago that my tombstone should read 'See, I *told* you I was sick.'

In 2 weeks I see the GI doc again, and shortly after that (assuming I make it that long) I am going in for the gallbladder surgery. Last time I spoke to them about this they gave me 40% odds that I'd see any benefit at all, 40% that it stays the same, 20% that it gets worse... I could have someone one the street flip a coin and give me better predictions than that. Even so, it's getting bad enough that I'll take what I can get.

Yesterday was the start of fall quarter at PSU... I had hoped to take the Information Theory and Cryptography classes, but I'm not in good enough shape to do so. My head is *so* ready, but my body can't get my head to the places it needs to be, so I'm fucked. There's something very depressing about seeing milestones go flying by when you're not sure you're going to be around for the next ones... they'll offer those classes again in 2 or 3 years, but who knows who/what/where the hell I'll be then.