Saturday, September 11, 2004

if i ever leave this world alive

I just found out that Aaron Hawkins from Uppity Negro committed suicide. He had been missing for a few days, and there was much speculation as to his whereabouts. I found Aaron through his comments on other sites; his sense of humor and intelligence and geekiness and social awareness immediately reminded me of my friend Scott, who committed suicide two years ago.

Aaron's death has prompted a lot of the people he affected to talk about depression and suicide. Sour Bob says it straight:

Aaron killed himself.

I didn't know him as well as some, but even so, I know enough to answer one question: I can tell you why.

Suicide is what happens when the pain someone feels outweighs his or her ability to deal with pain.

... all I can do is to admit the paralyzing fear that comes over a depressive when another of his rank takes his own life, the ominous message that seeps in about fighting depression, about fighting the urge to take your own life:

You might lose.

And this from Don Fox:

To the outside observer, suicide can often look like a spontaneous act, like a spur of the moment thing. But I believe it's actually one of the more premeditated things a person can do. It isn't just something that pops into your head one day without any warning. It's something you think about over and over, day after day, week after week, month after month, maybe even year after year. You turn it over in your mind, look at it from every angle, until the day arrives when you know just exactly what it is you have to do.

Tina said something relevant the other day:

There has to be a way to rise above it all, or go deeper into it somehow, or in some way come to some kind of peace with all the suffering. What always comes to mind when I'm trying to get to a peaceful place is: my own death. Not that I'm in any hurry to go, and I don't think I'm the kind of person who would ever actually kill myself for any reason. But when I'm at the end of my rope, it really is the only thing I can think of that seems to hold some hope—the knowledge that someday I won't have to keep on being here anymore. Knowing that helps me hold on.

I know my situation gives me a grim outlook sometimes, and that I myself get pretty down sometimes, but FUCK could we please go a week or two without someone good killing themselves?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sad to hear of Aaron Hawkins’ apparent suicide.
I am not up on blogs, had never heard of uppity,
until I saw the article in the Sun-Times.
I immediately wondered what had caused his sudden death,
and when it mentioned that he had felt isolated in college,
that struck an all-too familiar chord with my own experience.
It sounds like Aaron touched many peoples’ lives.
He was so young and handsome and bright.
My deepest sympathies to his family.
For anyone out there who has struggled with or is currently
experiencing symptoms of depression
and possibly has even contemplated suicide, please
know that help is available, and there is no
need to feel ashamed. You are not alone.
If you are in pain and feel overwhelmed,
don’t give up. It may take a few steps to get the help you need
but keep trying. You can be happy and feel good again.
I know. I’ve been there.
Good luck and remember, you are meant to be here
and life is worth living.

Suicide Prevention Hotline
Toll-Free Nationwide USA
24 hours / 7 days a week
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