You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever
It's just a Ulysses kind of day, I guess.
I'm on day two of an experiment of sorts... my physical pain has been bad enough to keep me in bed for the past few months, but lying around only partially mitigates the pain, and if I'm going to be up all night dealing with the pain anyway, I'd rather spend part of my day outside enjoying the amazing weather we're having, or doing something 'productive'. So far 'productive' means getting out and meeting my neighbors, working on the house a bit, playing guitar out on the porch, watering Anne-Marie's gardens, and in general just trying to experience some of this beautiful summer to shake off the chill of the leaden winter.
At the very least, it seems to be doing my head some good, but my body hurts more. (It wouldn't bother me at all if this added activity exacerbated my physical problems to the point that they were more medically obvious... nothing worse than having doctors shrug when they can't figure out what's wrong with me.) Also, I've got this new thing going on where my sleep meds are losing the fight against the pain, so I just don't sleep anymore, for days at a time - but this added physical activity helps tire me out, and last night I had about 5 hours of the most welcome sleep.
I'm trying to cultivate hope that my 'condition' will be at the very least identified if not actually 'cured' in the near future, but after 4+ years of progressively increasing pain, hope does not come easy to me. Getting out and seeing the world a bit reminds me that life isn't necessarily a continuous landscape of pain, that there is some beauty out there, even if I am clutching my guts in pain when I see it.
I'm on day two of an experiment of sorts... my physical pain has been bad enough to keep me in bed for the past few months, but lying around only partially mitigates the pain, and if I'm going to be up all night dealing with the pain anyway, I'd rather spend part of my day outside enjoying the amazing weather we're having, or doing something 'productive'. So far 'productive' means getting out and meeting my neighbors, working on the house a bit, playing guitar out on the porch, watering Anne-Marie's gardens, and in general just trying to experience some of this beautiful summer to shake off the chill of the leaden winter.
At the very least, it seems to be doing my head some good, but my body hurts more. (It wouldn't bother me at all if this added activity exacerbated my physical problems to the point that they were more medically obvious... nothing worse than having doctors shrug when they can't figure out what's wrong with me.) Also, I've got this new thing going on where my sleep meds are losing the fight against the pain, so I just don't sleep anymore, for days at a time - but this added physical activity helps tire me out, and last night I had about 5 hours of the most welcome sleep.
I'm trying to cultivate hope that my 'condition' will be at the very least identified if not actually 'cured' in the near future, but after 4+ years of progressively increasing pain, hope does not come easy to me. Getting out and seeing the world a bit reminds me that life isn't necessarily a continuous landscape of pain, that there is some beauty out there, even if I am clutching my guts in pain when I see it.
3 Comments:
True... my pain started out as an actual physical trauma, then got exacerbated by an absurd amount of stress, and has since spread in ways that could be symptomatic of either 'nerve damage', i.e. improper function of pain receptors, or just plain 'nerves', i.e. psychosomatic pain. Part of this experiment I am doing, getting back out into the world, is to see to what extent my condition changes when my consciousness changes. If it's medical, it's time to get it fixed, and if it's maya, it's time to let it go.
Thanks for your kind words and insights, Krishna.
(BTW, when you first posted here I thought someone was messing with me, i.e. Mushika being Ganesha's little buddy, and suddenly Krishna shows up... pretty soon the whole cast of Mahabharata will be here. But I saw your profile (female, India)... I'm guessing south, maybe Andhra Pradesh or Tamil Nadu? Is Krishna ever used as a female name in the north?)
Surely you didn't chalk it all up to coincidence.
Fortunately, the cure for your ills is simple, swift and relatively painless: touch not the Dream Buddha, return the yellow amber beads to their rightful owner, and above all limit your exposure to James Joyce prose.
Feh!
My name is actually a joke of sorts: the word 'foobar' is a nerdspeak word related to 'F.U.B.A.R.', or 'Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition'... it was used in the second world war to describe just about everything, but it was also useful to describe most of my engineering education. Amongst my colleagues I had a reputation for tackling completely fucked up problems and finding some elegant solution to them... so 'Foobario' was born, sort of a cross between 'Foobar' and 'Coolio'.
'Frobnitz' is nerdspeak for 'gadget' or 'whatchamacallit', and I figured that it would sound better with Foobario if I added the i's to the end... sort of the way proper latin names of things often end in 'ii'.
So: in a genus and species classification scheme, Foobario Frobnitzii is someone who can come up with elegant solutions when working with gadgets that are fucked up beyond all recognition, a description that fits me pretty well given my electrical engineering education and my inability to resist taking everything apart to see how it works.
I freely admit that doesn't carry the significance or weight of tradition that your name does, but it suits me pretty well :)
As for Ganapati's little buddy: he's small enough to find all sorts of pathways... you never know where you'll end up if you follow him.
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