Friday, May 30, 2003

The story so far

About 12 years ago I decided I needed a change, and I just got up and left. I wasn't in a very good headspace, and felt that I wasn't much good to anyone anyway, so the decision wasn't too hard to make. And of course I had Anne-Marie with me, so it wasn't really a terrifying move.

We traveled around Asia for a few months, then moved to the northwest US... we both finally went back to school, and then got caught up in our professional careers. Somewhere along the line I returned to India, where I ended up in one of those wrong place/wrong time situations when the Indians were simultaneously celebrating their 'victory' over Pakistan at the Kargil Pass and their development of the Agni missile; they chose to celebrate their nationalist pride by beating the hell out of every foreigner they could find, and I ended up with a broken rib, a bloody cough for a couple of weeks, and some nerve damage that may never go away. I'm on alot of pain 'killers' (I wish) and stuff to help me sleep, theoretically.

My first job after college *sucked*. Two weeks before I started the job I watched the movie 'Office Space', and I laughed until I cried. A few months later I watched it again, and I just cried... it was such a horrible dehumanizing place, run by soulless robots. I was there almost 3 years, and the stress and depression just kept getting worse and worse (which made the physical pain worse as well). Finally I couldn't take any more, and I quit. I tried to get laid off (everyone else was getting laid off), but just couldn't do it. Concerns like 'unemployment pay' were insignificant compared to the stresses I was going through. It got so bad that Anne-Marie and I were locked in discussions about whether or not I was going to continue living (I took the stance that suicide ended my pain and got her a big chunk of insurance money [they told me the first day of work that their great insurance program even covered suicide... I asked if that was an option they had to use much, and they just laughed it off. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE, folks...], and she of course wasn't having any of it, the poor little irrational thing).

That was 8 months ago. In the time since then, my physical pain has been getting worse every day; it's very debilitating. Things are slightly better if I don't move too much, so I get alot of time to think, surf the web, and read.

Lately I've been looking up old friends.

There are a few people who I lost contact with that I wish I hadn't... people who affected me in some way. Most of them probably never knew how much they meant to me, since I wasn't very communicative of such things back then. Some of them are gone now; others might as well be... time has changed us all.

I recently wrote to Stefene, a friend from way back... I just shot an email out into the void, and luckily she replied. It was so damn good to hear from her. I think I never really got to know her as well as I could have because I was so neurotic; my negative view of myself and my very positive view of her didn't leave much room to really forge a deep relationship. She was beautiful and sad, like a princess in a story (I kid you not). I always felt closer to her than I ever expressed. It has been great comparing life notes with her... I think I learn more about myself than I do about her when she writes me, though... her perspective on things always makes me think. And since I have no life right now, I really look forward to these views from the outside.

I've also been writing to Julie, a dear old friend (we probably could have been more, but we were both too insecure to really make it work). She is raising a family in New York, which seems to be quite the journey... more than I could handle I'm afraid. She's one of the smartest and most human people I've ever met; I am very lucky to be able to talk with her.